Good connections are hard to come by. Wifi, people, it’s not easy finding the right spot, is it? Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down. Most of the time it works, but it can be a bit slow. What makes or breaks a connection is how it affects you, and the way you live. Maybe it helps you work better? Sometimes it shines when you need to relax. Most of all, a connection is remembered for the way it makes you feel when you experience it.
Music is one of the few areas of self-expression that transcends cultural and linguistic barriers. I mean, the boom of international music over the past decade has proven that we as humans create strong bonds through music. Discussion about how audible sound is a part of our instinctual sensory awareness aside, I believe a large part of the power of music is in its’ depiction of emotion.
Emotions and feelings are hard to capture through words alone, whether spoken or written. Yet when coupled with a harmony that feels as hauntingly empty as ones’ own soul, words become lyrics, and simile becomes reality. I felt that really strongly when listening to Heize’s new song Don’t Know You.
Now I know, even if you don’t say it
Why didn’t I know such an easy thing?
In the time I picked out my clothes
I should’ve held you 30 more minutes
I didn’t know how big your heart was
Though I knew what size you were
I forgot how to make you smile
And I thought wrong
If only you got mad at me
If only you told me without keeping it inside
You wouldn’t have been so cold
But I only realize this after it’s over
Regret is something we’ve all felt at one time or another. Knowing you could’ve done better, knowing that you didn’t try hard enough…it’s hard. Where fear is more present and palatable, it at least gives you motivation to push forward. By the time you can regret, it’s too late. The damage has been done; all that remains is pain. Heize’s regret is focusing on the immediate, on the physical. She took advantage of the relationship, doing too little to deepen it. His love touched her, yet she didn’t understand its’ source. It hurts her to realize this, and she laments mournfully as she sings
I haven’t given anything to you
What am I to do if you only give and then just leave?
There are probably no traces of me that remains with you
So what will you take to remember me? To reminisce about me?
I wish you would turn back when I call out to you
So I can repay you for all that you gave to me
So I could give you happiness
I didn’t know you
I didn’t know your heart
I didn’t even know you were getting farther away
I really didn’t know
And I was just picking out your gifts
But that wasn’t what you wanted
As I listened and read the lyrics, my heart hurt for her. The pain she felt, the regret, the hopeless hope of a second chance all resonated with me. How often have I made the same mistakes? Misreading another’s intentions, taking advantage of their love, making the relationship about me. Giving back in a small way, merely to pacify a nagging conscience. In the end, it’s all empty. Hollow. Leaving behind pain and a bad taste in the mouth.
Heize’s regret reminded me of another song, Empty by WINNER. It’s an old favorite of mine, one that I feel really capitalizes on the different voices singing it. Like strokes of a brush, each member lends a different color to the canvas, painting a picture of bittersweet memories.
I’m an empty shell, a coward without you
People around me look at me with pity
It kills me, no what a day
Before starting my day, without thinking I saw…
My reflection in the mirror
(There’s no smile on my face)
Is so empty, as if there’s nothing there
I walk alone on the street
But this empty street feels so empty
(It’s quiet just like my heart)
After waking up from the dream that was you
This morning of reality feels so empty
(My heart feels so empty)
Love, in all of its’ forms, captivates us. Motivates us. Gives us purpose. Take away the source of that love, and the mind breaks down. I too find myself looking for love. Trying to find passion in people, games, books. I want to feel a burning desire, and unyielding passion for something, anything, that’ll make me feel as if I’ve found a purpose. People are easy to find that in because people are easy to draw energy from. Yet that ease of empowerment comes with an ease of depowerment. People change. False expectations are never met, and the recoil from realizing how empty I really am just…hurts. A hollow ringing, echoing the emptiness I feel.
As much as it hurts to listen to these songs, I love them. Feeling an echo of my own pain in someone else’s helps me to realize that I’m not alone. My struggles aren’t limited to me. I can scream and sigh and rage and weep, and know that others have been there. That there is hope for me, amidst the howling darkness of the world.
As a believer, I know that I’m loved by God and that He alone is my true comfort. Yet my kinship with other people is still special. Being able to bond emotionally through song is especially unique, and it’s a gift I cherish very much. Through the sorrow, we find peace. And that’s all we can ask for.